I have two essays I’m working on this fall, both for my thesis, and then my book. They’re interconnected—one may be the opening of the thesis and one will close it. I’ve toggled between working on both in this class and I’m unsure of where I’ll land. The first essay is about a BDSM dynamic I was involved in while I was in my early 20s and newly sober. The second one is about a sober women’s meditation retreat I went on a few months ago. I’m going to try answering for both and see what pull is stronger.
Why does the subject matter to you?
The underlying theme of both is agency and beliefs in one’s self and inherent worth. In extension, the struggle to have one’s harder feelings (or truths) be seen and witnessed. The past ten years of sobriety (and what precluded it) have been such a period of growing up and learning to feel. It wasn’t until I had a leather belt taken to my back that I really started to express my grief. Before then, I drank or wrote songs in secret. I expressed vulnerability from a boundaried distance (a stage, a clearly defined kink dynamic, a recovery meeting, an emotionally unavailable beau).
The central idea of the kink essay is that I had to consciously participate in my own sublimation in order to begin undoing it. By the time we get to the recovery meeting when I’m 36, I’m in a totally different place, but my life is sort of in freefall. Still, I am way more agenic, with a stronger (albeit wobbly) sense of self. They are definitely two different stories. Anyway, I’m interested in setting up those polar narratives to see what happens.
In writing this, I’m realizing that over the course of the two essays I go from idolizing (distant) male dominant figures to finding deep connections with older women. The former gave me the illusion of control, the latter encouraged me to turn it over and find peace with everything that was beyond it. There might be something there.
Why might it matter to others?
These stories are about pain. Physical, relational. I think anyone who has been involved in a kink (or taboo) relationships will find the BDSM stories relatable—and certainly anyone who has used pain to process emotion.
The recovery story, probably other women who are later in sobriety and struggling to find their footing will see themselves in it. I’ve been surprised by how many women related to my stories about kink, period.
We all just want someone to tell us everything will be okay.
Do you have a sense of the style or voice you want to write in?
I’m working on long, pressured sentences for one of the most intense impact scenes and looking to Garth Greenwell. Kelly McMasters does such a wonderful job of setting a scene, so I’m looking to her for inspiration for describing the landscape in the sober retreat essay.
Maggie Nelson also writes about her own experiences in such a frank way, I’d love to emulate her. And finally, for quippy and sharp character introductions (since the retreat will have a few of them) I’m looking to CJ Hauser’s “The Crane Wife”.
How might AI help you with the project?
I’ve asked AI for guidance on an outline for the sober retreat essay. For the BDSM essay it keeps cutting me off, so I’ve just used it as a thesaurus. Overall, I will keep using it as a thesaurus and perhaps to play with my narrative structure.
The sober retreat essay may end up being a woven essay juxtaposed against the 5 Buddhist Bardos (from the Tibetan Book of the Dead). If so, I’ll use AI to break them down since I don’t have a ton of time for outside research until the Spring.
